Answers to Some Common Questions About the Equifax Data Breach

The mischievous look in this guy’s eye makes me suspect he may be an identity thief. Image courtesy of Jean-Marc Buytaert

You would have to be living under a rock to have completely missed the media frenzy over the recent Equifax settlement. It is still going strong, even though it is nothing but a basically meaningless parody of justice to show the rabble that “the bad guys are paying the consequences.” And as a result, I’ve been getting a lot of questions about the situation and credit reports in general. Here are my answers to some of the more common ones.

How do I claim my $125?

Unless you signed up for credit monitoring services, nothing. Because that’s exactly what you’re eligible to get. If you did, you can claim your pittance here:

https://www.equifaxbreachsettlement.com/file-a-claim

What if I had my identity stolen?

If you had actual, quantifiable expenses resulting from it, you can theoretically recover up to $20k. You probably won’t get nearly that much, even if your expenses exceeded that amount. After all, there are hungry law firms at the front of the line, tons of people who will make claims, and a finite amount of money to cover it all. But again, if you want to make a claim, go to the link above. 

I never even gave Equifax permission to collect my data. How did they get it?

Yes, you did. Any time you signed up for a credit card, auto loan, mortgage, personal loan, or basically anything else that would show up on a credit report, you most certainly agreed to let all three major credit bureaus (Equifax, Transunion, and Experian) collect your data – and to allow many other things to happen as well. However, like any normal human being, you didn’t read it and like any human being who isn’t an attorney with an ass ton of time on your hands, you wouldn’t have understood most of the terms and conditions even if you had. Don’t like it? You can try “living off the grid.” As for me, I’ll keep my electricity, internet, car, home with an address that can have mail delivered to it, having living, breathing women willing to have sex with me (and that’s really the only reason for any of that other stuff to exist in the first place if you think about it), and so forth.

Should I sign up for credit monitoring?

Nope. Credit monitoring is just one more way the credit bureaus, including the one that potentially lost your data in this case, profit by selling the information you unwittingly gave them right back to you. It won’t give you an ounce of data you can’t get for free but you will pay for it anyway. Unless you’re determined to be part of the settlement. Then you can get the information that is already available to you for free…for free. Long story short, credit monitoring is bullshit.

Ok, then what SHOULD I be doing to stay on top of things?

1. The credit bureaus are each required to give you your credit report for free once a year. Go to www.annualcreditreport.com to get them. Get one every four months and keep track of which ones you’ve gotten and when. This way, you can space it out over the course of the year and be as on top of things as possible. They won’t have scores, but I have at least half a dozen credit cards that give various versions of my credit score for free and you probably have at least one. Besides, that isn’t the point. The point is to go through everything on the report and make sure it’s correct (or more likely, that the mistakes that are there aren’t materially adverse). Like any faithful churner, my credit reports have dozens and dozens of accounts, active, historical, etc. But even so, it takes me no more than ten or fifteen minutes to scan through them (again, this is three times a year) and make sure there are no issues. The point is, it’s not difficult, especially for someone with a more normal amount of financial activity.

2. Know what to do if identity theft happens. You should already be monitoring all your existing accounts weekly. So even if your finances are absurdly complex like mine, you will quickly realize if something happens that you were not a party to. Call your credit card company, bank, or whatever entity issued the financing ASAP and ask to speak to someone in the fraud department. It is a simple process from there. If you find an account you didn’t know about on your credit report, you have a bigger problem. But you just have to work through the process. First, make absolutely sure that you’ve really been a victim of identity theft and this isn’t just something you did when you were drunk and since forgot about or that is reporting differently than you would have expected it to. Then, call the police. Not 911 obviously. File a report with them. Go to www.identitytheft.gov and file a complaint with the FTC. Report the issue to the credit bureau in question. Freeze your credit with all three bureaus. This step will create additional hassles any time you want to do anything financial, but it is almost certainly necessary at this stage. You may even have to get an attorney involved. But if you pay attention, you will almost certainly learn something from the situation too. So at least it’s not a total loss.

I have the first form happen about once a year on average as I would imagine most people with a ridiculous number of credit cards do in an era where identity theft is so rampant that I once read that credit card skimmers with a thousand numbers on them were going for about thirty bucks on the black market. But thankfully, I have never dealt with the second. I’m sure I will eventually and when I do, I will attack the situation with great vengeance and furious anger (anyone else remember Pulp Fiction?) and maybe I will write a post about it and turn it into a net positive. But until then, I will just keep watching. And waiting. Keep that in mind, identity thieving assholes.     

How worried should I be?

Not. This shit happens almost every single day. There are twelve year old computer geniuses, in horrible countries where their gifts are being tragically wasted, coming up with new ways to hack into the most secure databases on the planet as we speak and many of them will succeed. It’s an inevitability. But luckily, you live in a country where the consumer is basically the only thing keeping our vastly overinflated economy afloat. No one, and that includes most politicians, has any interest in seeing what would happen if consumers lost that precious confidence that keeps them borrowing money to buy shit they don’t need to impress people they don’t like (I believe that one is a bastardized version of a George Carlin quote – that guy was a genius and he was right about 89% of the time, which is way more often than almost anyone, ever). The economy is basically the only thing keeping people just happy enough to prevent them from realizing (or caring) how corrupt those politician pieces of shit are and thus, consumer confidence is to be kept sky high. And it follows that the laws are extremely in favor of consumers when it comes to matters such as identity theft. Do your basic diligence and you will be fine.

Should I get identity theft insurance?

Probably not. Insurance is an industry run by a combination of typically beautiful crooks and people who are extremely good at math. It wouldn’t be so bad if insurance companies didn’t do all they could to screw the marks customers out of the money they should be entitled to at literally the only time they’re expected to do anything whatsoever in exchange for the money they collect year after year in the form of premiums that consistently go up for literally no fucking reason at all. But they do. Ever make a claim on your car insurance or homeowner’s insurance? Remember the experience? Now imagine trying to get those bastards to pay for something intangible. If I recall correctly from the last time someone tried to upsell me on my insurance (talk about barking up the wrong tree), it’s about a seven dollar a year premium addition and there’s probably an excellent reason for that. It’s bullshit and they will never pay you a dime, no matter what happens.

Why was this post so sarcastic and profane? My delicate sensibilities are offended.

I don’t care. This is my blog. Get out. And to answer your question, I’m not sure. I’m in a funny mood tonight. I hope I succeeded in providing some worthwhile information and entertaining at the same time. Maybe more people would read this blog if I could master that skill. I guess this post will serve as a test.

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